That's Not Very Nice!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Fact, or No?

Performing nekked snow angels in the yard is spiritually renewing.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

After Christmas Quiet

Off to spend my Christmas money on stuff. Don't have anything in mind, we shall see what I come home with. Actually new socks would be a good idea.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Happ..Merry Christ...Hhan...Holid...Kwanz..Solst...Whatever....

Merry Christmas to all 2 of you that come to my place of bad storytelling and rants! Oh, and Harvey too, I spose.

Lets spend a moment reflecting on all of the good things of the season, and let go of the bad. That is what I have had to do. If all you do is sit and stew about all the stuff that pisses you off about the "Holidays", you won't have a chance to enjoy what comes your way. It is not too hard to see all of the good around if you quit trying to find the bad. (I do believe the scrooge has left the building for a moment here.)

Maybe it has been my son saying Merry Christmas to me 16 times a day. Maybe it has been my son wrapping up all of his toys in cloth placemats, and bringing them for me to open, then yelling: "PRESENTS FOR YOU, MOMMY!!" It upsets him greatly that Santa doesn't bring presents for moms and dads by the way, and he wants to share his Santa loot with me. Maybe because Shorty has been announcing the countdown till Christmas since Wednesday. Perhaps it is him wanting me to sing Jingle bells while ringing a bell, so he can do his crazy dance to the music. Or when he talked me into doing the dancing while he sang to me, and rang the bell?

I do believe the spirit of the season has been delivered to me by a little booger nosed, grimey fingered, frosting faced 4 year old. Beautiful things come in sneaky packages, they do.

I tell ya, just in time. Just in time.

Merry Christmas!

Watch out for reindeer turds, those suckers are slicker than ice when they are fresh. I'm Serious.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Too Good

This story is just too good.

Too good, so I HAVE to share it.

Last night my husband came home late from work, kinda unusual, but expected since he is working on something time sensitive at work. So it was about 10 pm when he showed up. When he had left for work, he opened up the people door on the garage so Charlie the garage cat could go outside because it was going to be in the 40's, and Charlie should get some fresh air. This happens often, and Charlie doesn't go far, comes when you call, real great cat, anyway.....

When hubby went in there to check Charlies food situation, he spotted a pink nose coming out of Charlies box. Charlie has a box he sleeps in when it is really cold that has an old seat cushion, and some other fabric in it, so it is a cozy little nest for him. Charlie wasn't the one in the box. Charlie was eating his food, about 6 inches from the box entrance. Upon further inspection, husband sees that the critter in the box is either a giant rat, or a opossum, and comes into the house asking for the giant ass leather mittens. Any time he asks for the "giant ass leather mittens" means some sort of animal control. Every time. Now, regular folks would probably just call animal control, and have someone come out. No, no, we can take care of this. So I wouldn't let him go back out there without me and my t-ball bat, which he always gets a chuckle out of.

So the opossum is still hiding in Charlies box when we get out there, and since I am the country kid, and he is the city kid, I determine that it is a opossum indeed, not a giant rat. So opened up the top of the box enough to get the kid size shovel in there, trying to "encourage" the animal into the garbage can waiting for him at the exit hole of the box. Opossum did not want to go, but finally did after much "encouragement" with the shovel. But since the box is up off the ground a couple of inches, he went in the can, and then crawled under the box and behind an engine in the corner. A slick move that we did not anticipate. So I sent hubby back there with my bat. He goes back there, and there is just no room to get a good swing.

"Go get the .22."

"You are not shooting a gun in the garage. We aren't getting a Darwin award right before Christmas."

"Well what the hell am I supposed to do here? And it's not dangerous, I can put the barrel right on it, I'm not going to be shooting all willy-nilly. Go get the .22."

"The neighbors are going to call the police, seeing me walk out to the garage with a rifle, and then hearing shots. They are going to think I'm killing you. You can't shoot within city limits anyway."

"Seriously, go get the gun. It won't be that loud. Just go do it."

"Fine, but I will not be in the garage when you shoot, because I don't want to get hit by a ricochet. I don't want to watch you get hit either. You are dumb."

"OK fine. Go get the gun now."

*I stomp outside* put Charlie in the porch so he doesn't get involved in this fiasco. Get gun and ammo. *stomp back to garage*


"You didn't bring ammo, did you?

"Yes, I brought ammo, what do you think I am? Hey, I'm not the one that's gonna shoot that in a building. That would be you, bright one"

"*rolls eyes* give me three."

"WHAT?!? You don't need three!!"

"oh, for Petes sake, just give me three."

"Fine. If it will make you feel better. You won't need them, point blank like that, but whatever"

Now I went outside. Hear something that sounded like he dropped a cardboard box. Opened door and asked if that did the trick.


Shut door. Hear another box sound, open door again. "Are you done yet?"

"Dude, this thing is making a big frickin' mess back here, no, he's not done yet."

Shut door. Hear sound. Open door. "Seriously, did that do it?"

"Yeah, I think so. That made a mess."

So, there went the opossum. Then we were discussing what to do with the body. He took it to work with him. You know, to show the guys.

Is that the right way to deal with varmints in a garage? Probably not. Did we get the situation resolved quicker than animal control could have? Yes. Was it fun? Oh, you're darn right!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Shoot the Sun

My Father and Husband had Shorty out shooting one of dads .22 pistols. Now, I wasn't there at the time, I think I was at the dentist or something. I am not so sure I would have approved of this activity for my little 4 year old, but that is another thing entirely. So, the point here is that my little one has handgun experience, and has shot the BB gun and pellet gun, and shoots target arrows with a kids size bow at my parents house. A little scary for me, but we are teaching him young how to respect firearms and weapons, and not to fear them, and they are NEVER toys. It is actually working wonderfully.

Shorty just asked me out of the blue how far away the sun is from us. I told him that I couldn't remember exactly how far, (he always wants to know exactly) but I know that it is really, really, really far away. He responded with:

"Can I shoot the sun with a gun?"

Sorry kid, guns don't shoot that far. Holy crap.

OK Fine

It seems some folks are a bit bothered with my lack of Christmas Spirit. Contagion seems most concerned, as he has just gone thru sensitivity class, and his spirits are creepily upbeat. OK fine, I will tell all what really gets me in the Christmas spirit....

1) Booze, sometimes cheap wine, (NOT Boones Farm, that shit makes me puke)

2) Baking Christmas cookies BY MY SELF. Little kids helping, is not help at all, and pisses me off. Makes for a most terrible situation.

3) Piles and piles of snow. On the roads, making them nearly impassable.

4) Lefse

5) Sweet, sweet silence outdoors

6) The smell of a wood fire

7) A quiet drive in the country, much like the Sunday drives of yesteryear

8) Delivering lots of baked goods to friends and family on Christmas eve, makes me very happy.

There you have it. That is what gets me going for Christmas.

I got some baking done yesterday, and that helped, but then I went to the 24 hr. Wal-Mart later because I ran out of baking supplies, saw all the derelicts, and now I am back to square one. Oh well. Eventually here I will have my moment.

My Mother called yesterday asking if they could hire someone (fake Santa guy) to come on Christmas eve at their house, in a helicopter, dropping presents into the yard for Shorty (my 4 year old, in case you forgot). It is like she doesn't even know me. Good grief woman. Maybe that is what set me off yesterday on my Scroogy path of destruction. Oh well, and by the way, I told my Mom not to hire helicopter Santa, as politely as I could.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Christmas Fuc&#%g Spirit

Well, well, well.

Contagion is a real peach.

Recieved notice for this meme in the comments for the post below, ironic, huh? He seems to want to know 5 movies that put me in the Christmas spirit. Nice try dude, I am all Scroogy right now.

1) A Christmas Story. I love and watch this movie all year long, I LOVE THIS MOVIE. I too quote things from the movie, nobody ever seems to get it. I would have to say my favorite scene in the movie is when he finally gets his Little Orphan Annie decoder ring, hides in the bathroom and realizes that it is all just a commercial for Ovaltine, "Sonovabitch!" Also the scene where he is trying to find a spot to plug in the leg lamp aka: major award, and the mess of wires plugged into the outlet is such a fire hazard, sparking all over, funny stuff. Many more awesome parts to this movie, too much to type out. If you haven't seen this movie, I strongly recommend seeing it.

Seriously, I can't think of any that actually put me in the mood for Christmas. Not even A Christmas Story does that, and it probably should, but it doesn't. I just LOVE it though.

Since I can't seem to properly participate in this meme, I will not be tagging any others. Seriously, I have been sitting here thinking, and I can't think of a single one. If I end up thinking of something, I'll put it in the comments.

Bah, humbug!!

Tinsel and Bows

After dwelling and reflecting on the fact that I am a huge slacker and not proud of it, I spent some time thinking about Christmas.

Now, I am not a religious person. I am not interested in becoming a religious person. I struggle with dealing with Christmas, and getting in the Christmas spirit.

I ponder why Americans spend gigantic amounts of money on presents. What is the symbolism there? Is it because of the wise men bringing gifts for the baby Jesus? Does Jesus want everyone to get wonderful expensive presents for Christmas just like he did? What does a new DVD player have to do with Christmas? In all seriousness, what do you spose Jesus thinks about what has been done with his Birthday Party? Does Jesus prefer white lights on the tree, or multi-color blinking seizure inducing lights? Where does Santa fit?

I look at this holiday situation as open minded as I possibly can, and it makes little sense. Why do Christians celebrate the holiday in this manner? It is one of the biggest religious holidays, and it has been commercialized to the point of disgust. And I am not even a Christian, and I'm disgusted.

What are we teaching our children? Get greedy, make lists, fear Santa as you would God, spend to much money on presents, have the best Christmas light show on the block, come hell or high water? What does any of that have to do with Jesus? Nothing, that's what. Best reason I can think of is "spirit of the season".

We have a Christmas tree, and the only reason for it is so Shorty doesn't feel left out with the presents, excitement....etc. Yes, I buy presents for my son, parents, grandma, friends, Harvey and TNT, but that is it. My husband and I haven't exchanged presents for a good five years. In my eyes, presents for the adults is just ridiculous. Yes, I know, I give presents to my parents, and Grandma, Harvey and TNT, and there is reason for it. I WANT to. And My only reason for it is because they have given me so much in this world, emotionally, that it is a good time to show them a gesture of thanks. I don't need a holiday to show it, but since Christmas is so convenient, I use the opportunity.

As for my husband and I exchanging gifts, it just seems silly. We give each other gifts all the time, I don't need the greed of the season to get stuff, I get whatever I want anyway. I have a very nice husband, and I don't abuse his generosity. EVER.

I believe that anyone can celebrate their holiday in any way that they see fit, absolutely, but for petes sake, sometimes it is hard to see what the holiday is really supposed to be about. In my little world, the holiday is a good time to visit with family, show the ones you love that you care for them, (who ever said that the only way to show that you care is expensive presents??), and be thankful for all that you have on this wonderful planet.

Sorry for the rant, I hope I did not offend anyone, that was certainly not the intent. Only a deeper look into the progression of Christmas from the eyes of a non-Christian.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I Wish I Wasn't Such a Slacker

I really, really, really, really wish I wasn't such a slacker.

Don't get me wrong, I do ALL of the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, mending, etc. that I should, but never in a timely fashion.

If I would put half the effort I put into being a slacker--into the chores--they would be done. Always.

Before I had a home of my own, I had never touched a washing machine, stove, or broom. I am soooo not kidding here. And I was 19 when I moved away from my folks. I remember the moment in the laundry room in the apartment building, wondering what the hell to do. And then angry feelings at my mother for never cluing me in. This is not an excuse, just a little background to the situation. It never occurred to me that the house doesn't clean itself. I knew the problems with the laundry, as I treated my poor mother like Cinderella. Standing there in the kitchen bitching up and down about how my favorite bra was dirty, and I had somewhere to be in a hour and a half, and what the hell was she going to do about it. She washed it by hand in the sink, while I yelled at her, and then threw it in the dryer. I was still pissed at her when I left the house, I remember.

I have grown a lot since then, thankfully. I have also apologised many, many times to mom.

Anyway, I just have a hard time actually doing these simple chores, not because they are hard, only because I just assume still in the back of my mind that everything just fixes/cleans/sweeps itself.

Being a slacker sucks.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Drown Them In a Pail

Oh, Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree!

The cats will break you

They plot and scheme,
they lurk, and pounce.

I hope they don't tip you.

They chew your bows,
they take your stuff

When will they,
have had enough?

They are cruel,
this I know!

As they have eaten,
every ribbon and bow.

Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree!

The swearing's not aimed at you,
the cursing's not meant for you.

It's those blasted cats,
that are mine.

I curse and swear,
to no avail.

Makes me want,
to drown them in a pail.

Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree!
Your patience, amazes me.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Dear Santa

I have not gotten anything from you in many, many years. I am requesting a few items this year in reimbursement.

new dishwasher

new waterheater

new underpants

flat panel TV so I can get rid of the entertainment center

the remaining seasons of Buffy and Angel that I don't have

new socks

one of your elves till next Christmas, to clean the litter box

a knob for my washing machine so I don't have to use a pliers to turn it

different neighbors next door

a new door handle for the Sonoma as Mike broke it in the last ice storm

the remaining Foxfire books that I don't already have

nice black leather boots, because the Sorel boots that I have had since I was 13 are not appropriate to wear everywhere I go. They make me look even more like a lumberjack.

25 lbs of lefse

A years worth of Diet Pepsi. I know that's a lot, but don't worry, I have lots of room in the basement. The litter box elve you sent can carry it all down there.

I would like you to re-design the windshield washer squirter system on several of our vehicles so that the rubber tube going to the squirter doesn't freeze up at inopportune moments.

Thank you Santa.


Blaze of Tape and Ribbon

I have wrapped 56 presents so far.

My fingers are crippled.

My ass hurts from sitting on the floor that long.

Can no longer speak in complete sentences.

Now I know why gift bags are so popular.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Oddybobo is Mean

She nailed me with a meme. Here we go, "Five weird things about myself"

1. I refuse to spend money on a car wash. Haven't paid for a car wash since 1996.

2. Oddy uses her boob to clean dust from a drinking glass, I inspect all dinnerware before using, and if it is not up to my 'standard', I rub the plate, glass, whatever, on my belly, never my boob. Ok once.

3. When I was pregnant, I developed a tolerance to White Castle food. I could, and often did, eat 2 meals a day at the castle. No castle gas. That is an accomplishment. When I wasn't eating White Castle, I was eating Vietnamese food. mmm....

4. I only eat meat about once a week, not because I am a tree hugger, just because I don't really care for it. I have been known to offend people at barbecues, by not wanting the steak. I will under no circumstances eat seafood of any sort, including imitation crab. Just give me Ramen. Or cheese. My worst nightmare dining would be a seafood buffet.

5. I can rebuild a carburetor without the instructions or aid of any sort. That is what happens when husband is a Master Mechanic. Wife becomes a hack-like mini-mechanic. I can also weld like nobody's business. I refuse to check tire pressure, as that is 'mans' work. Go figure.

I will not be tagging any others with Oddybobos meme. Ha! Take that!

Big Brother

This news deserves more coverage than it is getting. It is disturbing that the government wants this, and that there are probably a lot of people who think it is a good idea. This is not the road that this country needs to go down, MANDATORY GPS in vehicles. They claim that it is for charging appropriately for vehicle registration, depending on what state you actually drive your vehicle the most--good idea in theory, but seriously. The government doesn't need to know where I shop. They don't need to know precisely where I was on October Third, 2009. Imagine what they could use this info for. Disturbing, to say the least.

Charlies Girlfriend

Oh, now this is funny folks. We have a garage cat, Charlie. Charlie used to live in the house with his brother and sister until the boys started fighting about property rights (who would sleep on the bed with me), and he sprayed. Then he spent the summer on the back porch, and now he lives in the garage.

Husband and I were out in the garage last night, and Charlie was snooping around outside. I called out the door for him because he comes when you call, just like a dog. I'm out there "Come on kitty kitty, CHARLIE! kitty kitty come on" and I see him coming, but before he got in the garage, something caught my eye. I spun around to see what looked like a really fuzzy black small cat or bunny sized critter scurry behind some tires against the wall. Charlie could care less, I don't know if he even saw.

We both saw it, so I know at this point that I'm not nuts. Husband decides, well, Charlie is bigger than whatever it was that we saw, so it'll be OK. I ran into the basement and got a flashlight and a old broom handle, and put my boots on, in case I had to do any bunny kicking, I guess. We turned off the radio so we could hear, and so Charlie could find whatever it was, I'm standing there watching, holding on tight to my broom handle as my husband climbs up over the stack of tires, and shines the light around and finds it.

"Well, I see it, it's a little black fuzzy critter" He announces.

Well crap, we knew that, "Does it have a bunny tail or a cat tail?" I asked.

"dunno, I can't see its butt."

"Well here, poke it with this" As I hand him my broom handle and back away

"Well, holy crap, it's a kitten!!" "Quick, it's going down that way, go look!"

Kid you not, there is a kitten that came in with Charlie. I wonder if it is his girlfriend? She is cute as can be! In a way I'm pissed because we seriously don't want another cat, but that is just a hoot that maybe, just maybe he found himself a lady friend. It is so cold outside right now, I'm secretly happy that she came in out of the cold. Just a little bitty thing too.

We shut the garage door, and we think she is still in there, we shall see how this is going to go. I'm guessing she will try her best to make it work, with the always full bowl of food available, the heated water bowl, litter box, Charlies fantastic double thickness off the floor cardboard palace. Gotta be heaven for a chilly little cat.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Charity and Christmas

I'm not certain why this has been on my mind lately, if it is the bell wringer or the Santa anonymous boxes everywhere I go....

I am not a fan of charity. If someone I love is in trouble and needs help, I am MORE than willing to give what I can. If even a friend of a friend needs help, I'm there. So it isn't like I don't want to give or help, I just don't want my generosity taken advantage of.

I worked with a gal a while back who actively sought gifts for her children through the Santa anonymous program. She came with a list for the kids, wanting a certain Barbie doll, a certain movie, very particular. She lived in subsidized housing, made more than me, had no car to pay for, no utilities (except for cable, which every pov HAS to have) She had the money to buy her two little kids presents, just spent it on other stuff because she knew she was getting the presents from charity. There was a reason she was poor. She was the reason. All of the people I have ever known that have been on assistance, were the same way. I know there are actually poor people out there, there has to be, but the majority of them are poor because they can be, and still enjoy the things that the rest of us have to earn. Pisses me off, really.

I worked with a different gal, who started having kids when she was 15 or so, and had about 4 or 5 of them. She was 30 or something when I worked with her. One day in the break room I overheard her talking with another lady about how when she went to the food shelf to get her Thanksgiving food, they gave her a turkey, yams, cranberries, cans of pumpkins etc...And she was pissed because her family wouldn't eat yams and the other stuff, and all she really wanted was 2 turkeys instead, and they wouldn't give them to her. WHAT THE HELL?? Poor, my ass. She is lucky someone like me wasn't working at the food shelf, because I would have taken away the food she had already been given, and told her to get out of the line. None for YOU! She is also the lady who would get paid at lunchtime, her husband would pick her up and take her to one of those check cashing places, pay something ungodly for the convenience of that, and buy herself a $20.00 lunch at some rib place. Just another case of making herself poor. No one to blame but herself.

That is why I don't donate to much of anything. I will NOT support people like that on purpose. I will however help anyone I see that truly needs a helping hand. Some may say that I am heartless, and cruel, but I see it as a moral issue. I think it is morally wrong to support people who are capable of supporting themselves. We aren't doing them any favors by letting them be slackers, and poor money managers. We aren't making them better people, we aren't teaching them anything, they aren't willing to become more self sufficient, because there is always that crutch available to them. I will be no part of the voluntary crutch. I am bitter enough about the tax dollars that get thrown their way.

I say all of this while wrapping up about a dozen little toys, puzzles, books, beanie babies, a puppet, play jewelry, for a little 3 year old girl whom I know her father doesn't have a whole bunch of money, and this Christmas might be a little skimpy over there. I am far from heartless, for people who just try to take care of themselves. Try is all I ask.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Christmas Shopping

Oh hell yeah!! I just went down to the local thrift store while Shorty was at school, found 5 Christmas presents! A whole sack of deer leather tanned in various shades of brown, a 1938 stamp album ($1.00) for Step-Father-in law, stuffed animals for Mother-in-laws dog (25 cents ea.), because the dog just chews the eyes and stuffing out of 'em, I'll never buy her new ones. A brand new little kids brush and comb set for Shorty (50 cents), a brand new Bass Co. shirt for Step-Father-in-law ($1.00). Also some goodies for me, just because. I LOVE A GOOD DEAL! I normally HATE Christmas shopping, but this is just too great! All that deer leather will be for my dad, who will make cool goodies out of it, and the whole sack was FREE!! Not because there is anything wrong with it, but because thrift store ladies think stuff like that is gross. It's not gross, it's a goldmine!!

I am happy, can't you tell....

Old Man Winter

Well, I suppose it really is chilly now. it is -5 here right now. I think that is the third or fourth day in a row that it has started the day in the minus something range. I fear for the pipes in the upstairs bathroom, I have a thermometer up there, and it reads 40 degrees in the main part of the upstairs, and I don't dare go in the bedrooms which are shut up, and colder yet. I flushed the toilet and used the sink, and they work, so I can assume the pipes are OK right? The toilet is up against an outside wall, and that is what I was really worried about.

The pellet stove is working well for the downstairs, I can keep it 70 degrees down here with the stove running at #3 (out of 10 levels), we just don't want to heat the upstairs at all so we put a door there and keep it closed off.

Our bedrooms used to be upstairs, but we moved them downstairs this year. Now there are two perfectly good bedrooms upstairs, and a bathroom. I don't miss them one bit. Yes, I miss my old bed, as we are sleeping on the guest bed rather than moving beds all over the house. Shorty has his toddler bed, which is nothing at all to shuffle around. This was really a very, very small sacrifice.

It only costs us about $1.50 per day, maybe $2.00 to heat the house with the pellet/corn stove. That is with mixing the pellets 50/50 with corn. We haven't tried increasing the corn ratio, but that would make it cheaper yet. That's a far cry from the couple hundred bucks it used to cost per month, not to mention the price increase this year. Oh heck yeah, this stove is awesome. We aren't tied down with it because when we go out of town, the regular furnace just takes over. It is safe to say that this thing is the BEST PURCHASE WE HAVE EVER MADE. That, and it is real nice to come in from the cold outside and go sit by a fire. You can't put a price on that. Makes a helluva mitten dryer/warmer too!

Old Man Winter can just keep on trying, never underestimate the will of a Northerner.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Bookstore Mobbed By Bea Arthur Fans

Yeah, this is funny. Don't ask how or why I ran into this.

Taxidermy squirrel

Just got an E-mail from my husband wanting to know out of the blue if I still had the stuffed squirrel I did in taxidermy class in high school. Wants to bring it to work to put in his departments Christmas tree.

This squirrel looked so bad after I got done with it, I didn't sew the belly up as tight as I should have so there was always sawdust falling out. I was too rough getting the head ready and cut through the hide accidentally and had to sew it to fix it. I couldn't get the shape of the skull right, so the eyes looked weird. When I ran the wires up the legs to mount it to the log, I didn't/couldn't make the legs look like they were in a natural position, so it ended up looking like it was trying to walk across fire or something. The ears had never looked right because it had been in the freezer for too long waiting for me to use it for this school project. This sucker looked BAD!

I'll bet it got thrown away about 5 years ago after sitting in Dads garage spilling sawdust all over. Dad also said something about bugs getting into it too. That sucker is long gone. Oh well, he will have to find something else for the tree. Apparently, on the star for the tree, there is a big picture of B Arthur, and on the other side there is a group picture of all the Golden Girls. Engineers are different people. I would have gladly donated my furry friend to their Christmas arrangement.